if i were a turtle, you'd be my shell
coming down like a heavy curtain
it's comforting, i'm not sure why

This is a good beginning, and I like it. (Yes, I have decided to begin critiquing again. No, I don't think I'll be less strict this go around. Expect harshness, coming from respect and love.)

The enjambment from the second to third line is hardly enough to bring about the pause which seems to belong there. Reading this exactly as you have it drains clarity and power out of it, because you've got two complete thoughts masquerading as one. I am not sure why so many people writing poetry nowadays feel that if they have a full sentence in their poem, that somehow they aren't being quite as poetic...or that they're breaking new ground. Five-year olds, illiterates, new people to a language: all these people will not know how to punctuate effectively, and this is seen when they attempt to write. Writers...especially poets...should know. (I consider you a poet. You should too. If you aren't going to bring capitalization about, fine. But you should still be precise about your pauses. Now, if you really don't want the period there, then you should put a space between the second and third lines, so that it's not some jumbled mess of run-on sentence. Now, since it's been SO long since I've critiqued on a regular basis, I've pretty much forgotten who I've told what, regarding ways to improve/strengthen writing. That said, let me ask: Do you read your poems out loud once you've written them, to check for errors/typos/clarity, and that what you read on the screen or page is presented precisely how you would say it? If not, give it a shot. If you do, then why did you want a weakened run-on sentence to begin your poem? Just curious.

sometimes all i want is to go down remembering,

Interesting line, especially the "go down remembering". This is a cool phrase, and the way I'm reading it, the second line is sort of a secondary thought, the main thought being "sometimes all I want is to go down remembering what real love was, etc" Is this interpretation correct, Spock? If so, yay! If not, damn!

an idol dedicated and tacked to the past,
what real love was, when i had it hanging out
on my bedroom floor

I like this whole stanza, and think because of the way you left the first stanza, with uncertainty, that it's not a harsh change to this thought.

kicked shit down daily, because it felt good
to remember the laws of physics and that
we had an effect somewhere

You come damned close...but you sort of lose me here, because there's no subject. (One of the fun things about not using punctuation...abstract things become even less clear! Lol.)

Who kicked shit down daily? You? "We"? "I"? That's pretty damned important. I mean, yes...you do have a "we" sitting right friggin' there in the last line...but hon...that's two lines two long wondering who the hell's doing the kicking? I have to go to the previous stanza to see if the line bleeds down to this one, determine that it doesn't, and then assume you tried to hit the "i" key, and just missed.

If it's intentional, then it has been too damned long. Educate me on your intentions.

I've had so much fun doing this, that I'm likely to go to another of your poems! Woot!

You've been Shatnerized.

Hoodi.



--
Before an important decision someone clutches your hand--a glimpse of gold in the iron-gray, the proof of all you have never dared to believe.
(Dag Hammarskjold)

HEEHEEHEEEEEE

both of your critiques were so thorough, you pegged this one the closest

i guess i will just have to start punctuating more, i know what you mean about pauses and stuff
i just figure that people will find them on their own haha

♥♥♥♥

I had fun doing these. Your writing's gotten stronger, Spock. (Haha! I accidentally hit the "i" instead "o" for your name there!)

The reason why it's better to be precise with punctuation, as a poet, is because then you are given a whole set of tools with which to intimately shape your creation.

Poetry without punctuation would be similar, I imagine, to painting with a medium-sized sponge glued to the end of a stick. The artist can determine what they're going to paint, and can even achieve a high degree of proficiency, but what about subtlety? What about the very fine shadings and variances which turn the common into the spectacular, the interesting into the divine?

People point to ee cummings as their guide to dropping things like capitalization, puncutation, and based on what I've seen, they tend to either forget or be unaware that the man was a genius, and could write powerfully without drastically altering his format. He owned the language. However, when he wanted to alter his format...he didn't do it pell-mell or "what the hell", he did it precisely, with great effect.

Laziness in writing will be repaid with laziness by the readers.

I'm not saying that you (or other writers, for that matter) should not push boundaries. I am saying that the mindset from which you write will be evident to your readers.

A carefully crafted poem which ignores conventional methods of capitalization and/or punctuation can be a joy to read.

A poem written without either because someone doesn't feel like constantly hitting the "shift" key, but which gets passed off as if the writer's doing it out of "art" is a pain in the ass, and usually obvious.

--
Before an important decision someone clutches your hand--a glimpse of gold in the iron-gray, the proof of all you have never dared to believe.
(Dag Hammarskjold)